


Fly

by TheStrayOne



Series: Our Maknae [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Park Jisung-centric, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Platonic Relationships, Suicide Attempt, caring hyungs, not everyone is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 12:49:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15729738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStrayOne/pseuds/TheStrayOne
Summary: Jisung just wants to fly





	Fly

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I wrote this, but I just felt inspired. This is my first NCT fic. There are way too many of them so only a few of them got mentioned. Also I don't really know a lot about NCT.
> 
> Also, I talk about Junghyun's suicide, not in detail like it's literally just mentioned, but just know that I don't mean to offend anyone. SHINee was the first group I ever stanned so they have a special place in my heart. 
> 
> This is purely a work of fiction. If you have a problem with something then feel free to tell me in the comments, but please be civil about it.

     Jisung stands with shaking hands.  He’s tired.  So tired.  He just wants to go to sleep and he doesn’t want to wake up.  He’d known that for a long time he just never had the courage to, even though waking up seemed so much harder.  

 

     He has the courage now. 

 

     He’s not going to back out.  Not after he finally decided he was ready.  

 

     He stepped on to the ledge of the company building.  It was only about six inches wide and he let his toes go off the edge.  It’s so easy.  

 

     He doesn’t know why he decided he wanted to jump to his death.  It always seemed so morbid.  Falling and falling until you hit the ground.  Judging by the height of the building his bones would probably all snap on contact.  He would die the moment he hit the ground and blood would splatter everywhere, but maybe that was just it.  

 

     He wouldn’t be falling, he would fly.  Fly away and then he would go to sleep.  He wouldn’t wake up.  His last chance to soar before death.  Perhaps that’s why he decided to jump.

 

     Maybe it was becuase, if he flew, he would be able to escape.  He could escape the feeling of unwanted hands of a girl who was supposed to be his family touching places they shouldn’t.  He could escape the voices in his head whispering ‘unpure’ ‘dirty’ and ‘worthless over and over like a mantra.  He could escape the people in the comments telling him to leave, and that he untalented and a burden.  He could escape the feeling of not being perfect and the feeling of hunger as he skipped another meal.  He could escape it all if he just flew.   

 

    He spread his arms, his wings, preparing to take flight.  It was cold and windy out and the frigid air hit his bare arms.  There’s goosebumps on his skin but it just makes him feel like he’s gliding over the clouds.  It makes him feel free.  Like he was always meant to fly.  

 

      He was always meant to fly.

 

      He’s ready for it.  The weightlessness.  The rush of air.  Going so fast and far that no one would ever catch him again.  So high the only thing to ever touch him would be the wind and the clouds.

 

    He lifted one leg, preparing to step off, dangling it over the edge.  He took a deep breath, inhaling to cold city air, the air that he would be flying through in just a moment.  He was ready, he was going to do it.  He was finally going to fly, just like he was always meant to.  

 

     He just need to step and he would be free.  Just one step and-

 

     “I thought I was the only one who came up here.”  A chuckle and then “Turns out I’m not the only one at this company who’s a bit messed up then.”

 

     Jisung put his foot back on the ledge and let his arms down.  He doesn’t bother with turning to see who it is.  He recognized the voice.  They’d only gotten to see each other for a few weeks, but there was no one in the company, or probably in most of South Korea who didn’t know the voice.  

 

     “So why’re you up here?”  Teamin stepped onto the ledge beside him, hands in his jacket pockets and eyes squinted because of the wind in his face.  

 

     “I want to fly.”  That was Jisung’s only reply.  He stared out at the city, lights flashing and the sounds of cars below.  He knew that Taemin was doing the same.  

 

     Taemin chuckles, but there’s no humor in it.  “Don’t we all?”

 

      “Is that why you’re up here hyung?” Jisung found it odd that that someone he considered a legend was there with him, standing on the ledge of their company building, but then again, most people would think it was odd for him to be up there as well.  

 

      Taemin was quiet for a moment.  “Hmm.  I don’t really know.  Maybe I do, maybe I don’t.  Maybe I’ve already done so much flying that I like to see how high I’ve gone, and how far I might fall if I stop.  Or, maybe, I just like the view from up here.  There’s really know telling when it comes to our minds.  They’re quite odd in that way aren’t they?  They’re there to keep us alive and yet the confuse the hell out of us.”

 

     Jisung gives a small huff of a laugh before frowning once more. “Are you going to stop me from flying hyung?”  He doesn’t know what pushed him to ask, but he did anyway.  His mouth always moved before he could stop it.  

 

      “Well, I don’t know.  Sometimes flying can be a good thing, other times it isn’t.  If you plan to fly like a bird, yes, I’m going to stop you. If you want to fly like a human then I say go for it, but if you start to fly like Icarus then I will have to stop you.”  Teamin took his hands and spread them like Jisung had before, but he didn’t look ready to jump.  

 

     “You see, Leonardo da Vinci wanted to fly too.  He wanted to soar through the skies like a bird, so, he built his flying machine to work like a bird.  Someone would sit in it and peddle so the wings would flap, but, he didn’t seem to understand that that’s how birds are meant to fly.  We are humans, we weren’t born with wings, therefore we shouldn’t try and force ourselves to fly with them.  We shouldn’t just jump from the nest and hope to fly like baby birds do because that was what they were made for.  We weren’t.  On the other hand the Wright brothers understood Da Vinci’s flaw.  They understood that we shouldn’t try to fly like birds, that we should fly like humans, so they built a machine that would allow them to fly and, in the end, they were able to.  They didn’t try to force themselves to fly with wings they never had.  They built a way for humans to fly, completely disregarding the birds who flew just fine.  That’s why they were able to fly.  Then you have Icarus.  He not only tried to fly like a bird, but he disregarded the warnings of his father who told him not to fly to high.  These days, people don’t seem to think it’s possible to fly too high.  With people heading off to space it seems impossible to go too far but it is.  Some people fly too high.  And do you know what happened to Icarus once he flew to high?  His wings, which were made of wax and feathers, melted under the sun and he drowned.  He tried to be something that he wasn’t, then he tried to surpass it and it seems that so many people do that nowadays.  Sometimes I feel like I’m doing and I think that’s what Junghyun did too.  He flew to high, we all did, and his wings melted and he drowned.  We didn’t listen to the warnings, the ones we’d been given, the ones telling us not to go and read the comments, not to listen to what they say, and to stay true to ourselves.  Then we flew even higher and Junghyun hyung just went a little too high.  And while the rest of us are still able to fly, we’ve all managed to damage our wings and now we can’t fly like we used to.  We’ve broken our wings.”  There was a look of sadness on Taemin’s face, but there was hope hidden somewhere under there.  

 

     “Now, tell me Jisung, how will you fly.  Will you try and fly like the birds of the sky, will you try to be something you aren’t, or will you be like Icarus, and fly too high before plummeting to your death.  Or,” Taemin turned to look at him straight in the eyes.  “Will you be like the Wright brothers.  Will you fly like you are meant to, like a human being should.  Will you be able to build your own wings and soar through the sky.”

 

     Jisung stared at Taemin was sad eyes.  He wanted to fly.  He just wanted to fly and why did it suddenly have to be so hard.  

 

     Taemin gave him a tight-lipped smile and reached out to grab his hand.  “Let’s get down from here Jisung.  I know it’s hard.  I know how tempting it can be to just give up, but don’t do that to yourself.  You have a full, long life ahead of you.  A life filled with amazing experiences.  I life full of people who love you.   Don’t do that to your hyungs, because, right now, I’m pretty sure all seventeen of them are worried sick about you right now.  And please, don’t do that to me.  I know we don’t know each other that well, but I had a great time filming with you and I really do consider you a friend and I don’t think I can see another one leave too soon.”

 

      Jisung felt tears streaking down his face.  Tears he’d been trying to hold back for so long.  Tears that he should’ve shed a long time ago.  

 

     He doesn’t fight as Taemin pulls him down from the ledge.  Instead, he practically collapses into his arms, sobbing and grabbing at the back of his jacket for something to ground him.  He cries and he cries and he doesn’t stop because he’s still so tired.  He doesn’t want to keep going but at the same time he does and he’s just so confused.  He doesn’t understand what he wants anymore and he just needs someone to hold him.  

 

    And Taemin does.  

 

     Jisung wasn’t sure for how long they stand there for, but he knows it must be a long time because the moon is starting to disappear and the sun is peaking out just over the horizon.  The sky goes from jet black to pale gray within a matter of minutes but he was still crying and it isn’t until he feels like he’s physically run out of tears until he’s able stop.  

 

     He doesn’t say anything as Taemin, albeit slowly and cautiously, breaks away from the embrace.  Though, the contact isn’t lost for long because the elder wrapped an arm around his waist which is good because Jisung felt like he would collapse at any second.  

 

      “Come on.  We should get you back to your hyungs.  I bet they’re freaking out by now.”  Taemin puts the smallest amount of pressure possible onto Jisung’s back to urge him forward and he doesn’t fight.  He honestly just wants to go to sleep.  He’s too tired to try and go against it.  

 

     The trip to the dorms is a blur.  How Taemin even knows where it is is behind him but he’s too out of it to ask.  The only thing he can really register is that they’re at the 127 dorm and that he can hear shouting from inside.  It’s too hard to hear through the door so Jisung doesn’t try to pinpoint what they’re saying.  

 

       Taemin keeps an arm firmly wrapped around him as he knocks on the door.  Nobody answers, probably because of all the shouting, so Taemin knocks again, louder this time.  He can hear rapid footsteps before the door swings open.  He doesn’t bother too look up at who it is, he can recognize the voice almost immediately.

 

     “Park Jisung!  Do you know how worried we were!?  I want to know where the he-“ a voice starts to shout.  It’s clearly Taeyong and he’s angry.  Jisung can’t blame him.  He’d disappeared from the Dream dorm without his phone or an explanation and been missing all night.  But he can’t bring himself to be afraid of the leader’s anger.  His emotions take over before he can allow him to finish his sentence.  

 

    He rips himself from Taemin’s firm grip and throws himself at Taeyong.  Warm arms immediately wrap around him, probably out of instinct, and he grips tightly at the leader’s sweatshirt just like he had Taemin’s only a few hours before.  Also, just like a few hours ago, he starts crying again, though not as intensely as before.  His knees buckle beneath him and he nearly falls to the ground, but the leader keeps a firm hold on him.    

 

    “H-Hey what’s wrong,” Taeyong asks, sounding as though he’d been taken off guard.  He probably had.  He’d only seen Jisung cry once before.  

 

     He doesn’t really trust his voice but thankfully Taemin speaks for him.  “I can explain everything, but you should take him to bed first.  He’s had a long night and I’m sure he wants to sleep.”

 

     “R-Right, of course.”  Taeyong says, stumbling over his words.  He lifts Jisung up into his arms, despite the younger being a bit taller than him.  

 

     Jisung buries his face into Taeyong’s chest.  Even so, he can still see the rest of his hyungs gathered in the living room as they pass.  The must’ve al been worried sick.  Why had he been so stupid?  

 

     Only a minute later he’s being laid into a bed and a sweatshirt is being slipped over his head.  He hadn’t realized how cold he’d been until it was on.  He’d forgotten to bring a jacket when he’d left but the slight windchill had been the last thing on his mind when he’d left.  Still now that he’s noticed it he’s thankful for the warmth.  

 

     “I’m going to be right back alright.  You get some rest alright.” Taeyong’s voice is soft and gentle, the exact opposite than it’d been when he’d first arrived.  

 

    He hears the door door close as Taeyong leaves.  He really wants to keep crying.  He wants to pour out all his emotions and tell them he’s sorry but he’s way too tired for that.  He just wants to go to sleep.  

 

     It only about a minute later before he’d fallen into a dreamless sleep.  

 

* * *

 

 

     Taemin explained everything that he knew to them.  

 

     He told them about how he’d gone up to the roof, something he did often but never with the intention to do something he would regret, not anymore at least, and how he’d seen Jisung standing on the ledge.  About what he’d been about to do.  What he would’ve done if he’d arrived a few seconds later.  What he was able to gather from the few words that the maknae had spoken.  How he wanted to fly.

 

     It shocked all of them.  The knew that Jisung was a little bit different, especially of camera, but they’d always just thought it was his personality.  Not that he’d been think about his own death.  

 

     Some of them had cried, some of them got close, and other’s remained stone faced.  Though, they all felt the same thing.  Guilt.  Overwhelming guilt at having not seen it sooner, before he’d almost gone through with it.  Before he’d nearly killed himself.  

 

      “Did he say why?” Jungwoo asked with teary eyes.  

 

     Taemin frowned and shook his head.  “He didn’t say anything, I’m sorry.  But he might tell you.  I think he has some things he wants to get off his chest, he just didn’t know how to before, or he didn’t know how to bring it up.  I was like that before.  But, if he doesn’t want to tell you, then don’t force it.  He’ll tell you when he’s ready.”  Teamin glanced down at his watch and his frown deepened.  “I should go.  My own hyungs are going to freak when they see I’m not at the dorm.”

 

     “Alright,” Taeyong says, sounding a little dazed.  

 

     “Before I go, do you have a pen and paper I can borrow?” Teamin asked.  

 

     “Y-yeah there’s one right here.”  Kun grabbed a been and paper that was setting on the table and handed it to the elder.  Teamin smiled and thanked him before writing something on the paper and handing it to Taeyong.  

 

     “Give this to Jisung.  It’s my number.  Tell him if he ever needs someone to talk to then to send me a message.”  Teamin turned to leave, silently praying that his hyungs haven’t woken up yet.  

 

      “Wait, Taemin hyung.”  It’s Chenle.  His eyes are red an puffy.  He’d been crying.  “Thank you.”

 

     Taemin smiles.  “No need to thank me.  I was just doing what anyone would’ve done.”  And with that, he leaves and they’re all left in silence to try and wrap their heads around what just happened.  

 

     Taeyong feels and hand tap his shoulder as he stares at the door and turns back to see Jeno standing there.  “Hyung what are we gonna do?” he asks, tears streaming down his face.  

 

    Taeyong just wraps and arm around him.  “I’m not sure yet, but we’re gonna figure it out.  I promise.”

 

* * *

 

     They do just that.  

 

      Jisung woke up about and hour after that.  Everyone had seemed to find it necessary to be as close to him as possible.  So, when he woke up, he was surrounded by seventeen teary eye hyungs who looked about ready to tackle him the moment he woke up.  

 

     Jaemin is the first on to actually do it.  He threw himself at Jisung, wrapping his arms around him, sobbing as he did.  “Why didn’t you tell us?  We would’ve helped you.”  

 

     Jisung could just barely stammer out a weak reply.  “D-didn’t know how.”

 

      And that’s when they all start to tell him that he can talk to any of them anytime.  They promise him that they aren’t going to judge him or hate him and that they're going to help him.  They tell him that he’s allowed to tell them as much or as little as he wants.  The tell him they love him, and that’s all it takes for Jisung to spill everything.  

 

     It doesn’t take a few weeks or months or even years like they all though it would because this had been building inside of him for years.  He’d been wanting to tell someone, anyone for years what he was going through but he never did.  And it’s built up of so long that when he starts he can’t stop.  

 

     He tells them how his sixteen year old cousin had come to him while he was only five years old saying that she wanted to play a game.  He told them how she touched him, what she made him do and how repulsed he was at himself for letting it happen.  How much he hated himself for just laying there and taking everything she did without a word.  He told them how he’d escaped by auditioning for SM and how, even though it had been so difficult in the beginning, he he’d managed to get to something that was close to normal for awhile.  And then he told them how it’d all came crashing down after their debut and how all the insecurities came back ten-fold and how he was ready to just give up.  How he nearly did on many occasions.  He told them everything leading up to the night before.  Everything that drove him to the edge.  

 

      And by the end he’s crying again.  He’s sobbing into Mark’s arms.  He’s grasping onto any comforting word they say because he feels like it’s the only thing keeping him somewhat close to the ground.  

 

     “It’s not your fault Sungie, you were just a kid.”

 

     “You’re perfect the way you are.”

 

     “You don’t need to listen to them.”

 

      It’s the only think he feels that he can trust in a life that’s done nothing but hurt him and, eventually, he cries himself back to sleep, exhausted from all he’d been through and ready to just rest now that he finally felt like he could. 

 

     And as he falls asleep he can hear whispers of ‘You don’t have to be alone anymore.’ and that’s enough for him to keep going.

 

* * *

 

 

       They help him through it.  Everyday they do.  They guide him through the hard times when all he wants to do is be like a bird and fly.  He gets in touch with Taemin, who contacts him daily.  He asks for updates on how he is and what he’s doing and they grow close quickly, despite the age difference.

 

    He goes on a temporary hiatus, telling the fans that he just needs some time.  He stays at the dorm most of the time and he goes to his hyungs whenever he feels ready to give up.  He goes and visits his parents and he tells them about his cousin.  They don’t press charges, a choice he made because, while what she’d done had been inexcusable, she’d been young and stupid at the time.  

 

     And then he comes back.  He comes back stronger than ever, ready to fly.  Ready to build his wings.  Wings that were meant for him.  Not the wings like bird.  And his wings fail a few times and he has to start again but his hyungs help him.  The help him get back up after he’d crashed and they help him rebuild his wings once more and he flies, crashes, gets up, rebuilds, flies, crashes, gets up, rebuilds and he repeats the process over and over again and each time it gets better.  Each time he learns a little more and he gets better and it’s not long before he flies and he keeps flying and soon, he soaring, just like he’s always wanted.  

 

     And, once he is, he realizes that Taemin’s right.  He shouldn’t fly like a bird.  He should fly like a human.  He should fly like himself.  They way he was meant to.  

 

     The way Jisung was meant to fly and that’s how he’s going to keep flying, no matter how much turbulence he has to go through to do it.

**Author's Note:**

> This probably wasn't great. I haven't proof-read it thoroughly yet so there might be a few mistakes. 
> 
> I should really be sleeping now. I hope you liked this and thanks for reading.


End file.
